Never start a group text unless…
It all started with what I thought was a simple idea: get the gang together for a laid-back weekend hangout. You know, like normal people do. What could go wrong? Right?
Me: Hey guys, thinking we should all hang this weekend. How about Saturday afternoon? Maybe check out that new taco place, then hit a bar?
Simple. To the point. Who doesn’t love tacos and booze? I hit send, confident in my plan. And then…
Chaz (5 seconds later): YESSSSS! But, what if we did, like, an all-day thing? Yoga in the park, then hit the juice bar I’ve been posting about? #health 🧘🏼
Ah, yes. Chaz and his influencer tendencies. I swear he thinks his 423 followers are hanging on his every oat milk smoothie.
Me: Yoga? Seriously?
Tessa: Actually, that’s not a terrible idea. I could use some relaxation. Plus, I need to detox from the garbage week I’ve had. 💩
Here we go. Once Tessa starts over-analyzing her life, it’s all downhill.
Me: I was thinking tacos. You know, food that tastes good. And possibly sitting down like regular people?
Chaz: Dude, sitting’s the new smoking. You should really read up on it.
Tessa: He’s not wrong. Sitting for long periods has been linked to all kinds of issues…
And now we’ve entered the TED Talk portion of the conversation. Meanwhile, all I wanted was a taco and a beer.
Mark: Guys, guys. I’m cool with tacos, yoga, whatever. But can we make sure it’s not too early? I, uh, might’ve agreed to chaperone a school trip Saturday morning…
Me: Of course you did.
Mark’s life is a series of misjudged decisions that always, somehow, impact my plans. Like that time he thought he could make it to my birthday party after “just a quick parent-teacher meeting.” Spoiler: he showed up three hours late with cake frosting in his hair. Don’t ask.
Sophie: Wait, what time is “not too early”? Because I have a work thing in the morning, but I can probably join in after 2 p.m. Also, yoga sounds nice, but maybe we should go to that rooftop garden bar after? They have kombucha on tap.
Rooftop kombucha. Of course, Sophie would know a place that’s basically Pinterest come to life.
Me: So… no 🌮🌮?
At this point, I was starting to realize I was losing control of the situation.
Tessa: Oh! What if we did a picnic? We could all bring healthy snacks, do some yoga, then head to the bar. That way everyone’s happy.
You know who’s not happy? Me. The guy who suggested tacos and beer. I was starting to picture myself sitting on a park bench, eating gluten-free kale chips while doing some kind of warrior pose, when—
Chaz: Love the picnic idea! I’ll bring some of my homemade granola bars. They’re packed with protein and positivity.
First of all, no food should have positivity in it. That’s not a flavor profile.
Me: Guys, how did we get from tacos to yoga and granola?
What’s next? We knit our own picnic blankets?
Mark: Knitting’s surprisingly therapeutic, actually.
Me: Dude 🤦🏻♂️
At this point, I’m resigned to my fate. If I know this group, I’m probably spending my Saturday “reconnecting with nature” instead of inhaling street tacos and beer like a normal person.
Chaz: So, here’s the final plan: We’ll meet at the park around 1 for yoga, do a picnic, then head to the rooftop bar for kombucha. Sound good?
#SaturdayVibes
Me: Sure, Chaz. Saturday vibes... Can’t wait.
There was no fighting it. This hangout had officially spiraled out of my control, as usual. I’m now roped into a day that will involve more stretching and kale than I ever intended. And I’m going to pretend I’m totally fine with it.
Flash Forward to Saturday:
Me, awkwardly trying to touch my toes on a picnic blanket in the park, surrounded by granola, gluten-free hummus, and a very enthusiastic Chaz leading the yoga session like he’s some kind of wellness guru. Tessa’s stress-eating celery sticks, and Mark’s using a frisbee as a plate. Sophie’s just there, peacefully sipping kombucha, probably plotting her next eco-friendly legal battle.
Oh, and did I mention it rained halfway through? So, instead of tacos, I ended the day in soggy yoga pants, clutching a granola bar that tasted like sadness.
Moral of the story?
Never start a group text unless you’re emotionally prepared for things to go completely off the rails. Also, tacos. Just… always choose tacos.
#SaturdayVibes indeed.
