There’s a self-help industrial complex that wants you to believe success comes from waking at 5 AM, drinking green sludge, and reciting affirmations into your bathroom mirror like a motivational speaker having a psychotic break. But I’m here to tell you they’re all wrong. The real secret to career advancement has been hanging in the…

There’s something deeply unsettling about focus. The way it narrows your vision, forces you to commit to one thing, to actually finish something—it’s honestly kind of limiting, don’t you think? Why put all your eggs in one basket when you could juggle fourteen baskets simultaneously while riding a unicycle through a wind tunnel? Welcome to…

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Imminent Demise Welcome, dear hypochondriac, to the golden age of medical self-sabotage. Gone are the days when you needed an actual medical degree, years of clinical experience, or even a modicum of common sense to diagnose and treat serious illnesses. No, in 2025, we have…

We live in an age obsessed with optimization. Sleep schedules calibrated to REM cycles. Morning routines borrowed from billionaires. Decision-making frameworks that could double as doctoral dissertations. Somewhere between the cold showers and the journaling and the meditation apps, we’ve lost touch with an ancient truth: your worst self makes your most interesting choices. I’m…

Last week at a perfectly normal school career day, surrounded by aspiring veterinarians, astronauts, TikTok influencers, and one kid who still just wanted to be a dinosaur, a parent stood up and introduced their seven-year-old like this: “This is Max. He’s not your classmate. He’s your future landlord.” The room laughed, because that’s what you…